Well, where to start? There is a big question over Comic Relief / Red Nose Day in my eyes, and it is a universal one. If a society is running properly why do we need charity?

Let’s go back a bit. I am as old as dirt. So old, that I can remember watching the very first Children in Need (I know that they are different; Barely), as young un all wide eyed and excited. I had never seen a telethon before. I saw all kinds of famous people doing unusual stuff and the stalwart legend that was Sir Terry Wogan pleading with us for our money. In between the laughs and japes were heart rending films about the plight of children all over the world. I was moved. So moved that the next day, I gave my treasured 10p pocket money to some dude with a comic relief banner and bucket stood jangling it like a speeding circus clown down the market. Then came Comic relief, sans red noses, they didn’t arrive for a few years. But, Cliff Richard and the Young Ones more than made up for that shite.

I come from a place, where in the 70s and 80s most children were in need. We didn’t see much benefit from comic relief or children in need, because well everything was fine. We weren’t swimming in star wars figures and cash but we laughed a lot. And we ran around outdoors. Only reflecting now on the things my children have, the time we give them and the sacrifices we make, do I realise that some of the children on my estate were in dire need.

Comic Relief then. Is it a brilliant worthy cause that helps millions around the world? Or is it a control mechanism perpetuated because it reminds the broken and the left behind that they could be worse off? I know you’ll be slating me now and calling me all kinds of names, but think for a minute. As a child with nothing, living on what would be classed as the poverty line. These programs encouraged me to part with what measly shekels I had. Where was my hand out? I righty felt sorry every time I watched those films.

Years later I cheered Geldof and Bono and then Richard Curtis. Over the past couple of years however, I have been asking questions. And I ask myself this, why would you encourage people in a country where 28% of our children (that is 9 in a class of 30), live in poverty, to watch this shite? Especially kids, what can they do? What can they give? The answer is fuck all. The point however, is people living in poverty don’t really know that they are living in poverty. I fucking didn’t!

So these families give. They buy the fucking T-shirts and the red noses and the goddamn fucking deely boppers. Because bi-annually and every October they are force-fed the fact that there are people far worse off than them. Then our government has the cheek to say that we’re doing well. The fact that the above statistic is real and that Children in Need and Comic relief even exist, means that we are soooooo not doing well. The people we have put in charge of looking after the books and spending the billions in tax they collect every day are letting us down. Our country is broken. And these telethons prove it.

So here’s a thought. I have to admit right now, it is not an original one. It is one I saw on Facebook a while back but it stuck with me. Those that care share, so I’m sharing. Instead of Children in need and Red Nose Day, why don’t the Government fund all of those worthy causes home and abroad. Stick the money in, just give it to them. The causes can apply, they get checked out and then awarded the cash. Do it!

Then we can have Government in Need and Tory Relief telethons. And in between Gary Barlow, John McCririck, Lucy Pinder, David Van Day and Jim Davidson doing turns for us to enjoy, First Sea Lord Admiral Sir Philip Jones KCB, could come on and beg for cash to buy Trident missiles. They are only £35 million each, so the whopping £71 million raised a week last Friday would just about buy two. Then we could have Chris Grayling come on and do a sketch with Jim and sell us a dream of a faster train and ask us to pony up the £55 billion he needs to knock out HS2. You get the picture don’t you? I’d love to see the totaliser!

I am convinced that this telly charity bollocks is just another way of keeping people down and forcing acceptance of the obscene, rich poor gap that is ever widening in this country. Because let’s be honest, they cannot wait to ram down our throats, images so heart breaking they’d have made Thatcher cry. All to say ‘you aren’t as badly off as you think you are – despite what Ken Loach would have you believe.”

Sorry lads, you’ve had your last red nose out of me.

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